Thoughts

Some thoughts I've been having recently include, but are not limited to:

How much I love cupcakes. Patching my new/old bike's tire all by myself at a new-found Co-op called Velocipede. Regularly cleaning the bathroom is really important. Yoga is a great way to relax, but I still prefer Zumba as a form of exercise. I have too many books waiting to be read. Along with that, various art projects have been started but aren't near completion due lack of motivation or time to finish. I would love to live in an urban setting again once I'm ready to settled down and get a "real" job. I probably won't make a ton of money in my life time and I wish I were ok with that. My hair isn't growing fast enough. I internalize a lot of things, and I really like my introverted ways. I have discovered, changed and learned so much about myself in the first 6 months of being a year-long volunteer than I did in 4 years of college. Life after Baltimore - meaning anything - will be so much easier. I don't think I'm exaggerating this statement.

These thoughts in my head make me really happy.

Lighten Up

It's been quite a while since a real post. I don't know how much motivation I have right now to make this great, since hunger and anticipation for dinner, while also having just watched Tuesday night's episode of LOST on hulu.com, I am distracted. Ugh! LOST is a whirlwind of emotions!!! Hmm..I'm glad I got that out. I guess.

So, to get back on track: life. Life is happening right now. As we speak, or better yet as I type. It's not tomorrow or the next day or yesterday or the day before. It's today, it's now. I've been really struggling with staying present in the moment. I keep fast-forwarding to September, when I'm technically done here in Baltimore. When the newbie volunteers come along and everyone's moving on to the next step in life. When I can get a break from being over-worked and pulled in so many different directions. When I can finally it can finally be "today" again.

And then I heard some wise words from Connie the GED instructor who I help at Project PLASE. As I was explaining to her what else I do (which I didn't even completely explain because I never remember all the positions I seem to hold off the top of my head), and adding in the insecurities of when I first started because I didn't know what I was doing since I have no previous work experience. Unless you count sitting behind a counter reading a book at my campus bookstore or taking orders in the Driv-Thru lane at McDonald's, I sure don't however. Up until recently I've thought I'm not cut out for a job like this because I don't really know what I'm doing and don't have any formal training. And after hearing from one of the counselors that I would make a great Social Worker and several others that I'm teachable and how the learning curve always goes up the longer you stay at one place, has made me see on-the-job training as a much more valuable way of getting the skills that are necessary.

Well, after that lengthy explanation of where I currently am with work, and getting back to the words of wisdom you're all patiently waiting for from the one and only Ms. Connie Moore: "You are being too hard on yourself." Yes, these are beautiful words to hear. This sentence was freeing for me and made helped me relax about life.

Life is only as big of a deal as you make.

Well, there was more motivation than I expected that came out of these fingers to type away into the night and finish this blog entry. I hope you enjoy and remember:

Wherever you go, there you are.

Cross Your Fingers...

Look down on the body, that you have grown
The mountains stand around you, they're not your own
Lights squares and bodies are all you see
Since you broke down, since i broke down, Since we broke down

Oh i jump into your grave and die
and on my word you'll give up your whole life for me and you'll be reborn,
bigger and stronger
and less alive,

cross your fingers hold your toes,
were all going to die when the building blows
cross your fingers hold your toes,
were all going to die when the building blows
and the house that you were born in is crumbling at the corners
sagging skin and feet of crows, feet of crows

Oh i jump into your grave and die
and on my word you'll give up your whole life for me and you'll be reborn,
bigger and stronger
and less alive

-Laura Marling

Wishful Thinking

I wish...that I would not be tied down by a job. Working full time is tough. Especially when it's not something you are passionate about. Not that I don't think homelessness isn't a big deal, because it is don't get me wrong. I just wish for something that isn't so overwhelming all the time. I wish I could sit in my house and create little gems of crafty art like these:







Once I started searching etsy.com for these stuffed animals, it made me realize how much I missed this:

Friday

As I sit here on Beth's couch and eat part of a Hershey's bar, I reminisce about the evening's activities. After much anticipation and almost an anxiety attack while waiting in traffic I arrived at the IMAX theater to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D! It was magical. The rest of the night consisted of blaring the Glee soundtrack and singing along loudly in the car while taking an extra spin around the block. Games were played, made up of "Psychiatrist," riddles and balloon volleyball.

Now I get to go to bed and not have to hit snooze in the morning! I can hear an angel's chorus singing.

Privilege

What does it mean to have privilege?

I am a volunteer that doesn't make much money and can't afford anything extravagant. BUT, I have a house with my own room, groceries, health insurance - everything taken care of. I don't need anything else. I am also able to take myself out of this in 6 months. It's not like I'm living in this perpetual downward spiral where I look at myself in the mirror every morning and try to think of reasons why I'm proud to be part of my race. I'm a temporary guest of this poverty, one foot in the movie and the other in the audience watching. Or maybe it's 1/4 and 3/4 ratio. That might still be too generous.

Not that life is an easy journey, or that everything's always been peachy. I have been so blessed with the family I am part of and the education I've gotten in my life. With these advantages I am able to make choices. I used to think that options weren't something I wanted a lot of, because that just makes it harder to decide in the end. But I am so fortunate to be able to decide something that will affect my life even if it's as insignificant as what I want to wear in the morning.

I can choose.

I am affected by and learn from the people I am surround by at work, in the neighborhood, in the city. I've had some run-ins with locals and my first thoughts used to be and sometimes still are "you are crazy," or "why do you act this way?" And I can only conclude that it's part of their nature, of survival. I don't have to look in the mirror and think of reasons why I'm proud to be a white person, it's just second nature, something I don't have to think twice about.

Oh, life. Why must you be the way you are?

I am lucky to be the individual that I am. No one can choose who or when they will be born. I am learning how privileged I truly am.

Confessions of a Socially Acceptable Twenty-Something White Girl

There are a few things I’ve been thinking about and have come to terms with. First, bad coffee is very easy to find. Not many people understand the importance of a good cup of joe. There’s a lot that goes into making a delectable drink that many don’t understand, and I have just begun to myself.

Second, free books=almost heaven! I love books. Period. Free ones are even better. Even if I don’t get through reading them, I just love what books are. Knowledge, entertainment, an escape from reality for a short bit of time, or more reality than one will truly know. “The Book Thing,” has become a very sacred place for me. Anyone is welcome to come in and pick out any number of books they desire, and leave a few of their old ones. Or not. I’ve tried to limit myself so that I’m not bogged down with literature, and have successfully done so I would say. So many books, so little time.

These revelations lead up to my third and final confession: I fit the profile for stuff white people like very well. If you check out the link to the website, you can see how accurate this statement is coming from my perspective (I agree with most in some way or another). Then you can decide for yourself if these allegations are correct. I usually feel like a poser, but I’ve come to accept that this it’s a generational thing and society has a lot of power when it comes to cultural preferences. Yes, I am a white person. Yes, I am not that original. Yes, I am at peace about it.